At the break of dawn, a lamp went off!
The year was 1995. I travelled to Delhi with two people from
a film production company called Mantra Magic Films, from Mumbai. We were to remain
in Delhi for 4 days to attend a Week of Broadcasting at Pragati Maidan. While my
colleagues put up with their cousin’s at Nizamuddin, I settled into the very
clean, very white, very British YWCA Guest House in Delhi. The room felt very
cold and distant and while I was in Delhi, I wanted some warmth and friends
around. I did not know anyone in Delhi, at that time except that I had got an
address and phone number of two people, who were part of the women who desire
women community in Delhi. I called the number and talked to someone, who said
that they had a guest room where they put up women who came from out of town.
I checked out of YWCA and moved in with them. The house
belonged to Giti Thandani and the two girls I met there introduced themselves
as Cath Stuggart and Betu (Anandita)Singh. While I was away all day, I liked
the warmth of their presence in the evenings, the quick breakfast with them in
the mornings, little chats and sharing. I liked my little room on the top with
an electrical kettle, tea bags, milk sachets, books and magazines on same-sex
love. The little room was a sheer delight, with a window that looked out at the
world, from the top. And on the last day of stay, I enjoyed meeting other women
who desired women, in a neatly arranged beer and chips party on the terrace of
the house.
I struck an instant rapport with both girls but Betu is
someone I spoke to from Mumbai too after I returned. There was something in
that child-like face that attracted me a lot. Cath Stuggart was staying over
from England and learning Hindi and together they were doing a great job of
managing Giti Thadani’s Office-cum-residence in Delhi, while she herself was in
Germany.
The first beginnings of Sangini,
began in Delhi, supported by the well-known Naaz Foundation. Betu and Cath were
instrumental in bringing this to life.
Today, at the break of dawn, the lamp went off. Betu
(Anandita) Singh passed away, the immediate cause of death being, stage 3 of cirrhosis
of the liver.
This brings me to the main subject I want to write about.
The LGBTQ community in India suffers extreme isolation, marginalization
and hence is an extremely lonely community. While there is a lot of companionship
and friendliness among people, the togetherness is absent. People meet for
drinks, dating, parties, but that real family feeling and togetherness is hard
to come by. In the earlier days, the in-fighting overtook the outward seemingly
out and about façade.
It has taken many of us a huge amount of courage to come out
to family about our sexual identity. Very few families accept and support
people who are out. So there is already the family one is fighting to find
approval in and then there is the society at large, which finds any woman who
is single, not partnered with a man, two women living together, something they
cannot make sense of. Even tolerate. And what they cannot make sense of they
want to eradicate. Kill. Or forget about it. This gives rise to the well of
loneliness that very often hound, the LGBTQ community.
It is surprising that even after the decriminalizing of
homosexuality, multiple films supporting same sex partnerships, so much
literature, society at large has not accepted us in their midst. Families
continue to ostracize us, or treat us with shame. If this is the attitude with
families, then the society at large will also follow suit.
For example, consider the coming apart of a heterosexual
marriage. Friends, family, extended family, friends of friends and all and
sundry will come together to keep the marriage going. It is the opposite in the
case of LGBTQ couples. Even in the community, people turn their heads away, and
of course, the family beats hell and fire to break the relationship – in most cases. The laws of the land do
not protect us, nor help us in any way, so that we feel included in the overall
society at large. Do you mean that there is only one way to relate to another
human being and that is the heterosexual way?
The well of loneliness is often filled with insecurities,
alcohol, drugs and behavior that cry for help. But no one hears these cries,
until it is too late.
These forced silences speak louder than words. These dead
moments of life, even in a living body, are what regressive societies perpetuate
and promote.
We really must wake up to some glaring, disturbing, uncomfortable
truths that surround the LGBTQ movement in India. For that we need to know, about
struggle elsewhere in the world and how they overcame it.
Now, the question is - who is going to bell the cat and make
the first move?
Also read: Film
review: And you thought you knew me by Pramada Menon
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