The Last Tea

The early morning dew had not evaporated yet. The sun was shining brightly in the cloudless blue sky. We had merely finished our morning tea with Marie biscuits and were already getting on with the meal, in fact, the tea that could easily be called a meal. The time: 6am, Sunday morning. Place Shillong. Year 1973

The special guest at our home is Swami Premarupananda of the Ramakrishna Mission in Shillong. This is the first time a Sadhu is coming home to have “tea” with us. He is expected to arrive at 4pm.

One by one, we have all had to bathe and wear clean clothes. The kitchen has been washed clean, the gas stoves scrubbed. All the pots and pans which will be used for the preparation, have been doubly washed. My mother has a responsibility – she is going to cut the veggies into precisely same size pieces and she is going to make what she is best at – pithe, the Bengali version of homemade sweetmeat and the payesh.

I am a little girl, visiting home from boarding school. I am overwhelmed with the goings-on but excited too. Perhaps more because of the luchis (puris made from maida), the bringal fry, the payesh, my mother will make. I can’t wait. But I have loads of work too allotted to me as well. And until everything is ready and put away in the specially cleaned mid-safe in the pooja room, we will not be having our lunch, which is being cooked by the women in the house, in between the other chores they have on hand.
On the gas a large black iron kadai is looking rather white, simmering from the bottom with the milk boiling over and over, coming up like a pregnant woman with a bursting belly and then belching forth with the aroma of thickening milk. My mother stirs it now and then and goes back to continue with the other preparations. Until it is half thick and little thin when the rice is let into the milk to cook, just a wee bit, along with bay leaves. Then she stirs till the milk thickens. She takes it off the fire and adds the patali gur. The thickened milk blushes, as it turns brownish, as if it has suddenly developed a pale hue of coffee. The aroma spreads inside the head, hauntingly sweet.

It’s done! And the kadai with the payesh is now poured out into a bowl.

The cooking can now begin. Sweet chhana daal with bits of coconut, rounded brinjals cut to size and left to marinate in turmeric and salt, cauliflower and potato dry masala fry….the air is thick with the smell of a Bengali cuisine… On the far end, you can see the spread of coconut sondesh and the home-made sweetmeat, made of paneer, khoya and maida….dozens of them, brown, white and succulent. But, we must all wait…for the hour of the Goddess and then the Maharaj to first savor this delight….

Normally, he is not allowed to visit homes of devotees. He has pledged sannyas. But, Premarupananda, loves good food and my family will feel blessed that he had come to grace our home. That has been the devotion with which all the women in the house have been engaged since morning to usher in the Swami….

Yellow ocher is the colour of renunciation. When it starts to come down a flight of stairs to reach your home, it is a sight most beautiful, even a glimpse can make your heart overflow with what is best termed as shraddha. The flowing yellow ocher, slowly descending and passing by the magnolia plant and the beds of flowers which lay smiling in the afternoon sun, to reach the open doors with lace curtains of a drawing room. Swami Premarupananda sits on the cane furniture, a man of much serene joy.




A plateful of luchis, white and fluffy nudge shoulders with golden brown brinjal fry and a bowlful of chhana daal. The cauliflower potato fry sit themselves on the table, not far from the payesh and sweetmeat my mother has made for the Sadhu.

A little bit of everything he tastes and blesses! A delicious meal, he says. We wait until he finishes and then, when we are ready to have our share, we find we are not hungry any more.

It was the first lesson learnt about the last “tea” with Swami Premarupananda.

When you apply yourself to the service of a Loved One, the service itself fills your hunger.

Likewise, with God.

Rock Garden - Chandigarh

The emerald green of Punjab covers your eyesight, much, much before you have arrived at the state. And you feel peaceful...that is exactly how I felt this weekend.....peace. My first visit to Chandigarh, a welcome change from Delhi - planned city, good roads, lots of green and foilage around. But what took my breath away was the famous Rock Garden created by Nek Chand. It is during the urbanization of Punjab that Nek Chand collected the old artifacts and daily use items in households, which were becoming redundant, in the face of new products. It is with these items collected over time that he, devoting a few hours daily over many years created a treasure we can all learn from. (see http://www.nekchand.com/)

A symbol developed by Nek Chand... Open to Give, Open to Receive

The lake At Chandigarh

Making The Difference

Simply regal. That is the first thought that comes to mind, when you see her. And why not?

The once Ambassador’s wife to many countries, Dr Veena Sharma, combines grace, hospitality, intellect and a powerful personality, which is in fact, splendid to meet. But I am not about to say more on that aspect, for my mission here is to introduce you to a work, which she is doing, making a difference where it matters.

Prajna Foundation For Cultural Interaction and Studies is an NGO which was started by Dr Veena Sharma in 1995. The objective of the Foundation is, as the name suggests, to involve sections of society, namely the haves and have-nots, which are otherwise, divorced from each other on a day-to-day basis, to get sensitized to each other by using cultural and educational tools and method to bridge this glaring gap. What it means in real terms, is to open up the children of the economically challenged communities to a much wider world than the one they are used to. At the same time to initiate a channel of ongoing communication between them and the wealthy in our society via a medium of communication and exchange through many cultural and educational activities. Thus, the children in slum areas of Delhi have been exposed to and have interacted with the more affluent, economically advantaged sections of people living in this city. And vice versa.


During its nascent stage, the Foundation began doing workshops at Delhi’s elitist colleges/Universities like JNU, IITs and Lady Sriram’s. These workshops were conducted in a manner that the students could open up their minds and resources and get to know and understand the lives and times of a section of people, many of them were not sensitive to, namely the less privileged sections of society. Resource persons invited were such as could be looked upon as role models – as they were still serving and yet had made a difference! The workshops also extended to various pockets of Delhi where the economically challenged in society lived and the methods used to sensitize them were quite different. They were, initially, exposed to yoga and yogic games, creative and fun games of different kinds through which they could come together on a level playing field with other persons from different sections of society.

What happened in these workshops was interesting as it is through drama, plays and education capsules, specially designed by the participants that the two sections got to interact with each other, in the bastis where they lived. Thus, both sections got to see each other in a different light, which otherwise, especially in a city like Delhi with the rich and poor divide being enormous, one never could have accessed either section in such an intimate way. This brought the children of the bastis to view the elite in a different way and lose the fear of interacting with them and reversely, the elite got sensitized to the under privileged. The ‘elite’ youth were often surprised how much they learned from them in terms of sharing and just being joyous! This opened the channel of communication for both sections.

As the work grew the need to have a central place became important. Basti Vikas Kendra’sare run by JJ & Slums Department of MCD, Delhi. As a matter of fact, these spaces are built in the midst of Juggis, jhopadis, slums where a cluster of the underprivileged live. In one such, in the midst of the environment just mentioned and right across the Deshbandhu College in Kalkaji, Prajna Foundation moved in the year 2001. And ever since, the area has not seen anything like this happen in the past. And the Foundation has never looked back either.

Nestled in a small building, in the midst of this group of humans, mostly, of Tamil origin, whose professions range from cars washers, to house help, to cleaners, sweepers at MCD, are their children, who have found another world, they never knew existed before. Aged between 8 to 18 years, the children are active participants of an array of activities that take place at the Centre starting 2 pm to 8 pm, 7 days a week. The Centre opens around 11 in the morning. On Sundays activities start at about 9.30 am. The students receive extra-classes in the studies they have done in class. Some of the teachers who help them are those who are inspired by the Foundation’s work and come from outside to do the job, on a voluntary basis they are few and far between. What is important is that the older children from the Basti itself are encouraged to teach the younger ones. This way, they get to participate in and become catalysts in the improvement of their own community. No wonder, Veena ji, as she is most lovingly called, has seen many a child grow up and open up to new possibilities, which were not open to them earlier, like working on computers or becoming a teacher.

“It’s not easy”’ she says ruefully, “at exactly the time the children are to come to the Centre to study, the mothers would send them to fetch water or do some other household chore. They do not understand the need for a little discipline or value of education.”



Thankfully things are changing, as more and more of the children are acknowledging that the Foundation is making a difference to their lives. Parents too are beginning to realize that, no matter what their lot is, their children’s need not be so. They may continue to live in the same place, but they feel a part of society at large, they feel responsible for their own lives and the surroundings, and they feel they belong to the wider social system in which they live. Therefore, the surroundings in which they live are a little cleaner and the children can raise their heads and speak up confidently to other people around them and those they see outside their environment.

It is said that one of the biggest contribution in life is to take the fear off from the minds of children so that they can be brave citizens of a country, subservient to none. When the same becomes a reality for the under privileged, the results are very encouraging. They can strive to live as citizens, equal to all, for their birth in certain sections of society, is no fault of theirs.

The Foundation’s work has thus opened up and sensitized people to those humans who we encounter on a daily basis. They work in our homes or wash our cars, clean our houses as domestic help, scrub and wash our utensils and clothing. And so far, we had turned a blind eye to their plight.

But how does one really bridge the gap in real terms? Ask Dr Veena Sharma.

Theatre workshops and performances are held on a continuous basis, every week in the Centre trained by none other than well-known Director, Ashish Ghosh with practical inputs from his assistant Animesh Guha. You might like to visit one of these very heart warming performances by the children at the India Habitat Centre, the next time you are in Delhi. And you certainly would not believe your eyes when you see these children perform to a whole audience of very elite spectators, plays such as Akbar Birbal, Tota Maina, Sab Thiik Hai.


In the past couple of years these children have been a part of workshops held in Rishikesh in Conjunction with another such organisaiton where they were invited to perform and also help teach other children and help of their own theatre instructors to do so. The exercise was a great success for both sides. The travel to a famous and ancient centre of pilgrimage and culture was also an eye opener for the children who had remained cloistered only in their own Basti.

As a result of their exposure they were able to participate in a theatre workshop concluded recently and run by the well-known Director Arvind Gaur. A very dedicated and committed theatre person Arvind Gaur has similar ideas about the upliftment of the economically non-privileged. He gave a special concession to Prajna children. Very soon he put them on stage together with other middle class children. The experience for these children was transforming.Similarly, Sh. Swami Vimalananda ji, General Secretary to the Divine Life Society, Rishikesh, very graciously welcomed ten children with five teachers/coaches to stay at the ashram for a week and be a part of an ongoing workshop conducted by the Khushi Project in Rishikesh. The children performed at the Samadhi shrine in the Ashram. They returned home, having received the blessings of all Swami jis and souvenirs and gifts they would treasure for life. A small seed sown at the right time will flower and bear fruit in the years to come, surely.Some children have been trained in basic computer applications. A couple of them have found decent jobs based on that training. Three girls have now been selected and are being sent to an accounting institute near the Basti to learn Tally. They are expected to get decent jobs after they finish the course.

A few other youth are being identified for support in other courses. They will be helped to go through the necessary training so as to enable them to qualify for higher institutions of learning – institutions like the IIT (if they are lucky) or Engineering and nursing colleges.

It does not stop at that. Regular drawing classes, candle making classes and other craft classes happen at the Centre. And ever so often, the kids go on picnics etc. to different places around Delhi so as to open up to the beauty and history of the city. Many recognize the Foundation’s work and there is no dearth of well-meaning individuals and Societies/Clubs who come forward to participate and carry the work forward. Like the Rotary Club of Delhi, South-Suburban, who plan to take the children on a day trip to Akshardham, in east Delhi region. Earlier, they have also provided coolers and fans at the Centre. Other philanthropists support bright youth towards their professional aspirations in life.

A young volunteer, Shalini Nair has begun to give of her time at the Basti. Not to forget, the young heartthrob of the youngsters at the Centre, Mahesh, who has been there from its inception, managing its day to day affairs, because he feels so strongly with those he cares and teaches, admonishing like a Head Master at the same time, empathetic to their needs.

Their work has found recognition in international circles too. German Development Cooperation from Germany, took active interest in encouragement through workshops conducted by the Foundation on creative and fun games for personal development and education. Later they also contributed by giving the Centre some sophisticated sports equipment, which is regularly used forconducting Festivals.The children at the Centre are spoken to on a continuous basis to help them identify their areas of interest and excellence and make career choices, which their parents never dreamt of. Like this, there are many others who sponsor the education of a few children as well. There is a constant ongoing effort to ensure that the dropout rate is arrested. Yet, sadly, even the best student among these will easily take up a job that pays Rs 500 or so per month dropping out of school, because the need for contributing to family finances, always outweigh the desire to study, among the economicallychallenged in society. While the parents of these children are aware that a change is taking place in their children through this exposure, their personal moral support to their children, remains yet a long way to go. But Veena ji remains unfettered. She is following her, what we may call a her true Calling. What brought Dr Veena Sharma to do work of this nature, I asked her?

“It’s always been with me ever since I was a child, since I can remember”.

Even as the Ambassador’s wife, she was busy organizing the women of Indian origin in Mauritius and Tanzania. They formed groups where each one’s skill was highlighted and certain activities were carried out by these women to uplift the down trodden even in these countries. Later, she found that when she visited these countries, years afterwards, the local women had carried the cause forward on their own initiative and made it an Organization in fact, adding their own indigenous flavour to it.

Dr Sharma (67), was born in Shimla but lived a couple of her early years in Balloki, now in Pakistan with her parents, her father being in the Civil Service. She moved to India, at 6, post independence through a perilous journey from Balloki, then in undivided Punjab to Delhi, resettling back in Shimla. In her own words - “We drove on. Dusk faded into a dark night. Tall columns of fires were visible on all sides in the villages around, and shouts of "Bachao, bachao (save us)" could be heard in the air. My father veered off the road into a sort of a muddy bush, using the canal as his guide. He asked the two Sikhs whom he had agreed to give a ride, who could easily be identified by their turbans, and could not even attempt to pass of as Muslims, to lie down under the car. My parents sat outside while we children remained inside the car.” She is also a scholar in African studies, in which she has a Ph.D from JNU, Delhi, and a scholar too in Vedanta, in which she is self-taught. She is a linguist in that she learnt Swahili in Dar es Salaam and worked as Head of Swahili Service of All India Radio for twenty-two years. But Dr Veena Sharma is a very spiritually inclined person too.

“Surprisingly, I met my Guru, in Mauritius, on my husband’s first posting as Indian Ambassador to that country”. In time, she grew to become his disciple. After his Samadhi, Dr Sharma, did the first translation of the Yoga Vasishtha as brought out by her Guru. The two volume of work is being published by none other than Motilal Bannarasidas, who are world renowned publishers of books on Indology. Besides that, Veena ji is also the author of Kailash Mansarovar, a book published by Roli Books.

“Where did you get your interest in spiritual matters?” I ask again, amazed at the number of areas that make up her personality.

“I think my earliest influence was from my grandmother with whom I spent a lot of time in my childhood. I noticed a certain spiritual life she led, in the midst of her daily life. In the morning, she had her bath and did her readings from different Holy Scriptures for about an hour or so and then only she had the first cup of tea, or breakfast. I watched her perhaps subconsciously. If she had things to do before that prayer, she would do them, then have her bath and complete her prayers and then only…..” It taught her a certain discipline, something she follows like her first nature, even today. Rising early, Veena ji has her own moments with God, writes and then begins her day.

I too follow some of the same early morning schedules and yet, after returning from work, I find myself de-stressing by watching TV News channels blankly! So what does it take to be different?

An unrelenting spirit. A drive that moves a person from within and a conviction, even an unrest from within, that forces one to initiate change, in their own individual way. This really sums up the work being done by Dr Veena Sharma to bridge the gap between the haves and have-nots. The two despairingly divorced sections of society, which are so visible in Delhi. And in the process, the making responsible citizens of India of the otherwise downtrodden and shaded out section of our own society.

Dr Sharma speaks Swahili, the national language of Tanzania, apart from Hindi and English. Besides, running the Foundation as its Chairman, she also runs [on behalf of her son] a full time Office in Delhi’s Connaught Place, called http://www.w3c.com/, which is an Internet services provider. She has two sons, one living with his family in Australia and the other in Dubai. But, even when they are visiting, there is no let up on her day at work, both at CP or Kalkaji. She is a tireless worker, a great negotiator and a frequent traveler to many countries, carrying her work, be it of the spiritual nature or her Foundation to different parts of the world. No wonder too, one might see among the volunteers, people from different parts of the world who come to India as exchange students or even on a holiday, conducting workshops for the children at the Foundation. Another objective is thus being fulfilled, the need to become global citizens of the world, for our children at Prajna Foundation.

History has provided us with many examples in the past of how certain events in a person’s life happen which propels them to a life devoted to the greater good. Or one must be so dissatisfied with the system that one is forced to become the change they want. So too in Veena ji’s, many an event contributed to who and what she is at the moment.

“Life is a jigsaw puzzle”, she says philosophically. “In my life many of these events have been like pieces in the jigsaw puzzle, which seemed to be floating around. In time, all of them came and fitted themselves in the larger pattern, which only in retrospect, I am able to know. That explains why they were there in the first place….”

To reach Dr Veena Sharma contact:

Dr. Veena Sharma
Prajna Foundation For Cultural Interaction and Education
A-382, (IIF) Defence Colony
New Delhi 110 024
Tel: 91-011-23356878, 24337913Email: veena@w3c.com





(With Inputs From Dr Veena Sharma)

Indian Institute Of Advance Studies, Shimla

Welcome to The Indian Institute Of Advance Studies, Shimla!

The building was completed in 1888 to serve as the Vicaregal lodge. The whole Indian subcontinent was ruled from the Summer Capital of Shimla, from this building in fact. The basic plan of this building was conceived by the Ninth Viceroy, The Marquess of Dufferin and Ava, with the sanction of Lord Randolph Churchil. The Principal Architect was Henry Irwin of PWD. Grey limestone was quarried from a site five miles away and transported on mules to create this huge edifice in a mock-Tudor or Scottish baronial style much favoured by Victorian Britain. It was the first Government Building to have electricity, also European style kitchen and laundries housed in their own five-storey wing.

The surrounding lawns, gardens and terraces, which form part of the 331 acres were expanded during the Viceroyalty of The Marquess Of Lansdowne (1888-1894). Successive Viceroyalties continued to alter and add but the main building never lost its Victorian character. Lord Irwin added the Main Entry in 1927. A staff of 800 including 40 gardeners were employed here at that time. Mainly used for entertainment of the Viceroy’s guests.




The Lodge witnessed many historical events as well. In the struggle of Independence and the negotiations that led to the partition, crucial meetings with Mahatma Gandhi, Jawarharlal Nehru and Mohammed Jinna took place here.



After Independence in 1947, the building became part of the estate of the President Of India and was renamed Rashtrapati Nivas. It was our second President, Dr. Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan himself, an eminent scholar who was instrumental in establishing here the Indian Institute of Advanced Studies in 1965 as a residential centre for research in the humanities and the Social Sciences. It has one of the best libraries in the country, with books in Philosophy and Religion and other subjects, which are ancient texts as well. The woodwork in the building, was all done with red wood brought from Burma. This 120 years old building is in the hands of ASI and needs lots of repairing and renovation which may cost the Govt of India, huge sums of money. Hence, the work is slow. In my opinion, having seen the structure and majesty with which it still stands, it is a world heritage building. Thankfully, at least the genius of British Rail, the passage from Kalka to Summer Hill, through 102 tunnels in the hills, has been given World Heritage status. may the same follow with IIAS.







Forget Me Not


The Route that the Toy Train takes - Kalka-Shimla-Kalka has been given World Heritage Status!
http://www.outlooktraveller.com/issuecontent.aspx?id=1385&type=34&flag=issuehome

First Person: Born Again

“He was coming for me, angry that I could dare to run away from him. I was trembling….afraid, I would be caught. I have tried to run away so many times, but he got me every time. He would this time too.

I could hear him on the streets, screaming – You f**king bast**ds! I know she is there. And if you don’t let her out now, I will break every bone in your body….

I was petrified. I saw it happen many times. I was scared for the people who had sheltered me. I pleaded, let me go. They did not listen to me. Maria held me back even as I ran to the door to flee back to hell. I could not fight their combined strength. I gave up….I cried……helplessly!

Slowly, the sounds died down. He had left. He had lost me. Forever.

Seven years with a man who had come to India to study but had stayed on for more than ten. Deep in drugs, he did not have any income to feed us. I was his Bank. His supplier of food and drugs. Yes, I! For if I did not, then the rain of batons on my back would keep me at home for over a week. This meant that the School I went to teach, cycling twenty kilometers to and fro everyday would cut my salary and we would be left with little or nothing to run the rest of the month. So we would have to borrow from the perennial crowd of men who came to our small house, uninvited, to spend time with him, do drugs and do women. To keep them out and also to save my skin from battering I gave in to his demand of drugs.

Then one day, a couple from Europe came to stay in the room next to ours. They were from an organization called Children of God. A very quiet couple but occasionally I heard them singing some lovely songs, not hymns but music with meaning, sounds that enticed my ears. One day, the lady and I both met at the common water collection area where there was a tube well. I smiled – You sing beautifully, I said. Thank you, she said simply. My name is Maria. I am Neelam, I introduced myself.

And from that day onwards, I began to visit their room regularly and taking part in their music. Maria’s partner, John, was a guitarist. Maria sang from her heart and most often than not, I simply cried right through the singing. It touched my heart so deeply.

As the tears flowed, I realized I was feeling lighter and better. It was as if I was being cleansed so thoroughly. A very heavy weight was being lifted from my shoulders.

In the days that went by, I became more and more disinterested in my own life with my partner. I felt I was de-linked with him. He sensed it and somewhere he knew it was because of my visits to the room where Maria lived with John. He put an end to that.

You will not mix around with those guys. They are evil. But, my voice which had gone muffled before, rose from its aches again – I will, I heard myself saying, surprised at my own self. I had forgotten the strength of my voice. Or was it someone else who was speaking through me? I will visit them again; you cannot stop me, I said emphatically.

A sharp slap landed me on the floor. My ears thundered. But, the day of my escape from captivity had dawned.

It was only two or three days before I was whisked away from my jailed condition, by my friends to a place, in the nearby hill station. The struggle for my independence had begun from within me. Too many years in the hands of a powerful depot, had made me powerless myself. I could not find my feet to stand up again. My knees gave way. Nobody could understand why I lived with this pathological man. Not even my family. Until, He gave me strength, slowly, one day at a time, to rise again. I was a new born child, cradling in his arms, my friends Maria and John always with me.

Who am I, I asked myself one day. And a voice from within said to me –

“You are born again. You are a child of God.”

The hour was early morning. I could hear the ringing sound of the milk bottles as the milkmen carried them from house to house. I was lying on the floor, my college friend on her bed. There was nothing more to say. We had been talking the whole night, lying in exactly the same position, the lights off and the ceiling fan going round and around, whirling the air above and around us. I had heard the story of her conversion to Christianity, but until now, I did not know why and what caused her to do so.

We, Bathsheba, as she was called now and I had met after almost fifteen years. We were very close to each other because there was a common bond of loss we both carried in our hearts from our childhood, a pain we had concealed from the world so cleverly. Yet, whenever, we met anyone in our lives who shared the same pain, we were instantly bonded.

And it is the same pain that became her balm as well. A journey made from childhood to reach her destiny - her life with a living God.

Change We Can Believe In

Change We Can Believe In. Yes, I borrow from Barack Obama, his catchy statement to believe that as Indians we can!

In the first ever, opinion poll on environment, conducted by CNNIBN in partnership with CSE and Outlook Magazine and telecast on 5th June 2008 - most Indians ranked environment pollution as their second worst, problem in a list of six and believe that air, water and noise pollution will get worse. Needless to say the first is, rising prices.

The panel comprised Science and Technology Minister Kapil Sibal, Dr Subir Gokarn, chief economist for Standard and Poor in the Asia Pacific region, CSE director Sunita Narain, Rahul Ram, lead vocalist of music band Indian Ocean, and Ramachandra Guha, historian and writer.

Most Delhiites will agree that the city is choking because of the high pollution level, which incidentally is back to the pre-CNG days. And no prizes for guessing that the biggest contributor to the pollution are automobiles.

Ironically, Delhi is also one of the few Indian cities to have done more than its fair share to cut air pollution in the last six years.

Polluting industries have been relocated, government buses, three-wheelers, and taxis run on CNG, 15-year-old commercial vehicles are off roads and there is a tighter control on power plants, but none of this is able to combat 4.5 million registered vehicles with 1,000 being added every day. Add to this, an ever increasing number of diesel vehicles and the future looks completely dismal.

“The gains that we had made in switching buses to CNG is being nullified because of increase in private diesel vehicles and pollution caused by them,” Vivek Chattopadhyaya from the Centre for Science and Environment explained.

Indians may regard air pollution as the country’s worst environment problem but they think industries are the top culprits for this and vehicles next. Is it a case of ‘my car doesn’t pollute’?

“Everybody wants to think he or she is good, nobody wants to admit that they might have something to do with environmental problems. The mindset is if it’s green—haryali—it can’t be polluting. Nobody thinks that better public transport can take the burden off the environment too,” said Ram.

People’s good intentions won’t end pollution; environment-friendly policies will need hard work and long-term commitment, said Gokarn. Polluting industries will have to be taxed and environment-friendly ones given incentives—tasks that require effort and coordination, he said.

People have to pay some price for a better environment, said Guha. “Cities will have to stop shifting the burden to the countryside. Delhi is situated on the Yamuna but the river is dead; Varanasi is on the Ganga but the river is dead. Urban Indians need to think about the footprint of their activities on the hinterland.”

“People are not being asked to give up their cars, but give them affordable, convenient and the best option to travel,” said Narain.

The survey’s findings reflect the “maturing of the environment” in India. “Urban Indians are realizing the problem that is staring at all of us,” she added”

We do. And how! And we find that it is already too late. We need to pull up our socks and - Be The Change We Want.

And this has to begin with you and me. Industry has to be forced to change. If we as customers, refuse to buy, products that are environmentally unfriendly, they will be forced to change their mindset which is always, profits at any cost.

It has to begin at your home and mine, in schools, colleges, indeed everywhere, we need to teach and follow what we preach, on becoming conscientious citizens of the world.

Strategies To Use To Combat Environmental Damage

Say no to diesel cars. And SUV. Take a bus to office and leave your car at home for weekend use. Opt for car pools, cut down on the number of private vehicles. Use buses, Metro, eco-friendly modes of communications whenever possible, like bikes, CNG, LPG, electricity run vehicles.

Walk! Its good for you

Junk bottled water. Demand clean water. Insist in free water as a basic human right

Use less water, to discharge less sewage. All the sewage finally goes to the rivers. Think when you flush. Insist your colony recycles its waste-water and reuse it

The tiger is beautiful. So are the tribal who co-exist with them. Demand justice for both

To make your beautiful home green, harvest rain water, use water saving toilets, segregate garbage and compost kitchen waste. Use CFL bulbs, and solar hot water heater

Impose economic sanctions against the US for rogue climate behavior

Do not use any product which uses plastic to pack food or other stuff. This will put pressure on manufacturers to make recyclable packaging

Levy a global “greenwash service” tax on corporate. Make them fully liable for products that damage the environment, today and tomorrow

Do not first adopt wasteful and environmentally bad habits and then become green. Think of the last person. Do not first buy processed food and then ask for organic and home-made food. Do not first eat junk food and then go on diet. Enjoy biodiversity in food and lifestyle. Shun McWorld

Use less of everything that you use in your daily life. Not greed of some but need of all is the only way ahead.
- Courtsey Down To Earth June 1-15 issue (http://downtoearth.org.in/)

I would like to end with Kapil Sibil’s most wonderful statement – “We have to understand that we are not inhering a world, but we are borrowing a world from our children”.



References:
Green revolution: Air is what's bothering Indians
http://ibnlive.com/news/green-revolution-air-is-whats-bothering-indians/66695-11-p1.html
State Of The Environment Survey, Air Pollution , New Delhi
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/what-makes-indians-worry-most-its-the-air-we-breathe/66447-3.html
What Indians worry about most? The air we breathe
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/what-makes-indians-worry-most-its-the-air-we-breathe/66447-3.html
Pollution, India's biggest bother
http://ibnlive.com/news/soe-survey-pollution-indias-biggest-bother--blog/66645-11.html

Further info on Global Warming
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sun/

Environment: Traffic Snarls In Delhi

Delhi is wailing. Ask me why. No. it is not the shameless double murder at Noida, nor the incessant rains for short durations of time which caused traffic jam due to water logging and flooding, but because the Automobile lobby in India is having a whale of a time, filling up every inche of the roads in Delhi to the extent that the common man has no place to walk or even catch a bus. Writes Sumana Narayanan in Down To Earth May 26, 2008 issue, “On April 21, a small stretch of road in a congested corner of south Delhi, one of the most polluted cities in the world, turned into an epicentre of chaos, confusion and downright indignation. The 5.6 km stretch was where the pilot phase of a public transport system that allows buses to operate on a right of way separated from other traffic, was opened. As vehicles strayed into wrong lanes and cars piled up in long queues for the first few days, the media unleashed relentless criticism, calling the project corridor of chaos, ill-conceived, a blunder and demanding that it be scrapped. Car users and residents’ welfare associations of colonies along the stretch also attacked the new system—Bus Rapid Transit (brt)—aimed at improving traffic flow. It did not ease traffic; instead it caused more traffic snarls, they said. People in cars and riding motorcycles felt road space had been “stolen” from them by creating a separate dedicated lane for busses.”

This is truly against the common man. Not only in Delhi, but across India, majority of the people travel by public transport (mainly buses), bicycle or on foot. In Delhi, the masses follow the same pattern. But due to unruly traffic and no rules whatsoever, the roads are full of cars, busses, cycles and motorcycles, not to mention the occasional pedestrian as well. What can he do, the poor pedestrian? If the pavement which was built for him, is crowded by motorcycles whizzing past and cyclists, where is he to walk? In fact talking of cyclists, many cyclists die on the way and are sometimes not even noticed, because they are on the road and are caught in a hit and run case. Their names you would not read in the Newspaper next day, as the capitol of the country with its pseudo show and lopsided value system, does not consider their lives important enough to mention. But, pushed by relentless crusaders like Sunita Narain, the Govertment is waking up to the need of BRT in Delhi and elsewhere in the country.

Why BRT in Delhi?

Sumana Narayanan writes – “Delhi needs a dedicated bus lane because 60 per cent people in the city travel on buses. With Delhi’s population growing at the rate of 3.85 per year, only a robust public transport can ensure mobility. There is a limit to the number of cars roads can accommodate. Already 21 per cent of Delhi’s area is under roads—a high percentage compared to other cities worldwide. brt is also a step towards cleaning Delhi’s air. According to the Economic Survey of Delhi, the city had 1.60 million cars and 3.34 million two-wheelers in 2006-07. The number of city buses was only 8,000. Every day, 1,000 vehicles are added to the city’s roads. Where will it lead to? Due to the spurt in cars, Delhi has already squandered its gains from switching to cng. Air pollution levels that had dropped from 140 microgramme per cubic metre (µg/cu m) in 2002 to 100 µg/cu m in 2005 due to the introduction of cng, are again on the rise. In 2007, the pollution level was up at 155 µg/cu m. With increasing traffic jams and rising pollution what choices does Delhi have? Personal vehicles are part of the problem, not solution.”

But Delhi’s commuters are not happy. They are not comfortable to cross three lanes to get to a bus stop.

“People have no lane discipline. Even as this reporter was talking to one of the marshals regulating traffic a man parked his scooter right in front of the marshal, Ajay Kumar Singh, to get some water. When the marshal admonished him, his answer, as he hurried away, was that it was just for a minute. The marshal shrugs, “There is nothing I can do.” The marshals have no power to book anyone. At times they get abused by people for enforcing lane discipline.!”

“Motorcyclists and car users say brt has made traffic snarls longer. Some, however, feel it is good to move buses out of the regular traffic. Pradeep Kumar Yadav, who has been driving an autorickshaw for the past two years, says brt is a good idea. “I don’t agree jams have become worse. The traffic flow is better and it is nice not to have to deal with buses,” he says. But sitting in her chauffeured, air-conditioned Innova, Vineet Bammi is irate. “The idea is terrible. It takes forever to travel down this stretch of road,” she says.”

“Shopkeepers along the brt corridor are not excited either because parking is not allowed on the corridor. This, they think, will affect their business. “Parking is a problem for my customers. They end up parking on the pavement,” says Himanshu Bansal, a stationery shop owner.”

The Scary Story

By 2010, urban India’s population is expected to reach 410 million from 300 million in 2000, which means more cars and motorcycles will be unleashed on the already vehicle-choked roads.

The number of cars in Delhi alone has gone up from 0.7 million in 1997 to 1.6 million in 2007. Infrastructure is just not keeping pace with vehicle growth. Between 1996 and 2006, road length in Delhi increased by 20 per cent, while the number of cars increased by 132 per cent.

Under that threat, the Government is on the right track, both with BRT and Metrorail, we can hope to avert the oncoming disaster in air and traffic, health and the lives of the millions who travel by bus. Or cycle.

“The success of the Delhi brt cannot be judged in a few weeks. It will take time and discipline. One measure will be whether the number of private vehicles on the road reduces. And that won’t happen until various public transit systems are interconnected and parking facilities created for car users, so that they can take the bus. Making public transport score over cars in terms of comfort, speed, accessibility, cost and convenience is a tall order but not impossible. Giving buses a right of way is in everybody’s interest; it frees space for cars, for in unsegregated traffic buses block two lanes.Urban India has no choice but to board the bus.”


The present piece has been put together using information from Down To Earth, May 26, 2008 issue. Below are the links to the articles.

References:
No Public Transport: Down To Earth May 26, 2008 edition
http://cse.org.in/cover.asp?foldername=20080531&filename=news&sid=43&sec_id=9

Caravan Disaster
http://cse.org.in/cover.asp?foldername=20080531&filename=news&sid=46&page=3&sec_id=9&p=1

Can’t Miss The Bus
http://cse.org.in/cover.asp?foldername=20080531&filename=news&sid=48&page=4&sec_id=9&p=1

Act Fast
http://cse.org.in/cover.asp?foldername=20080531&filename=news&sid=50&page=5&sec_id=9&p=1

Devil’s Advocate on Ibnlive.com
Karan Thapar Talks to Sunita Narain
'Ratan Tata will be a hero if he made a bus like Nano'
http://www.ibnlive.com/news/ratan-tata-will-be-a-hero-if-he-made-a-bus-like-nano/56973-11.html

Other posts on Environment by me
Environment: A Look At On Road Diesel Danger

What’s New:
Green Jokes - Laugh And Green
www.grinningplanet.com

Case Study: To Give Or Not To Give

Recently I read about some practical steps to take in Live-In situations as against the security of marriages.

The Do’s
1. Hold title to any major purchase in the name of the person/s who is/are actually paying for it
2. Keep finances separate if you want to avoid heated disputes
3. Keep records of your financial contributions to any property held by your partner
4. Keep the property you inherit or receive as gift separately. Any property given to both of you is legally owned by both of you – this also includes the gifts you receive irrespective of the fact that the person who gave the gift is a friend of just one of you

The Don’ts
1. If you want to avoid legal complications after a break up, you should shy away from putting your money in a common pool. So try and say no to opening joint accounts, incurring joint debts or making joint purchases
2. Don’t allow your partner to hold title to major purchases in his or her name alone if both of you are paying for that property
3. Don’t co-sign or guarantee debts that are incurred by your partner unless you intent to be equally responsible for paying them back, even after your break-up
4. Don’t become so financially dependent on your partner that you limit your ability to support yourself in the future. Keep your skills and contacts in the job market.
- Asha Nayar Basu in Your Rights in Marie Claire, May 2008

Having read the above , I began to ruminate on the plight of my mashi (aunt) who is in her early seventies, is living a retired life with her husband in Kolkata. They live in their flat in Kolkata with their only son, daughter-in-law and grandson.

In 1971, having returned to India, after years in London, pursuing a Masters and Ph.D, she married a man who was a good match if not better to her intellectual excellence. Both having, returned from abroad, in times when few heard of such things in our Bengali middle-class families, they decided to approach their marriage, with a difference. Both maintained separate Bank accounts. Neither was in any way curious about the salaries drawn by each other, properties bought even after their wedding was in the name of the person who paid for it. There were no joint finances in household management. Rather, they paid for different activities and expenses separately and having come to a consensus on who would bear the cost of that service. What was most important was the fact that, her husband never interfered in her continuous distribution, donation and financial help rendered to the less fortunate in our family.

Naturally, I was taken aback when a week ago, while speaking to her, she announced in some desperation –

“Julu, please send me *&%$#@ rupees. I will tell you all about it when you come…..”

My mashi is a very dignified person. She has always been a giver. She is blessed with both Bank balance as well as a big heart. And everyone knows about it. The house help are the beneficiary of much kindness, in words, deeds and finances from her in their hour of need. Including me, who is forced to receive, because she begins to cry if I don’t!

Naturally I was shocked to hear that statement from her. If she had said it without agitation, I would not be surprised, but her tone sent out warning signals…

I rushed to credit her account with cash. Then I called her son and told him that he is to withdraw the money from the account and give it to her, and allow her to spend the money in whichever way she liked, without any hold. It was not supposed to remain in the account collecting interest and under his supervision.

Yes, his supervision!

All the fabulous partnership principles with regard to finances had gone to the dogs! All rules of the house broken. There was one account into which money from all quarters were put. As far as I know, pension accounts cannot be joint accounts. So, how was it that my mashi had her account joint with her husband and son on either or survivor basis?

Touchy questions cannot be asked. Hence, I maintained a stoic silence about it but guessed that once the pensions come into their individual accounts, my mashi and mesho probably withdraw the money from there and deposit it into the common account, which stands in the names of all of them, with my brother’s name as First Name Holder.

Hence, since neither my mashi nor mesho handle their account and have left such things to their son to do, my mashi has to ask him to give her pocket money! Which, since she generously distributes to her house help, whenever they need it, my brother has STOPPED giving her any money at all.

My question is: Is this what any one can do, to their parents? After all, the money is hers, she is earning it from her pensions. Does he have any right to what she can spend or not spend from that amount? Should parents encourage such behavior? And coupled to that question, the most important one, should parents give their finances, property, jewelry and other precious goods to their children, while they are still in their living bodies?

Fiona's Foibles

“I can't do that darling because I don't believe it is true. The report from the headmaster of the primary school where her younger children were educated was that she was an excellent caring mother”.

My English friend Jill Cadman, who wrote the above to me, is perhaps the best example I have of what goes to make a caring good mother. Her total devotion to her children, even when she is in India, her tears and joy, for the ups and downs in their lives, although they are all over thirty years of age, has always made me feel, that her children were perhaps the luckiest in the world to have a mother like Jilly. Naturally, wrt the present hooo-haaa about Fiona MacKeown, the mother of Scarlette Keeling, raped and killed in Goa, I asked her what she thought about it. The above quote seems to make Fiona the opposite of what I believe she is – an irresponsible mother of a 15 year old.

I am not the only one who thinks so. Amrit Dhillon, who writes for British newspapers from Delhi, says in Out There, Alone, Outlook Magazine, March 24, 2008, “as in the case of British teenager Scarlett Keeling's murder in Goa, the Indian media was so busy bashing the Goan police for their disgraceful cover-up that they lost sight of Scarlett's mother's appalling negligence.”

She goes on to say further – “Criticizing Fiona MacKeown is difficult. She has been resolute and resourceful in uncovering the truth in the face of callous indifference from the police. Throughout her ordeal, she has remained calm and dignified. But what possessed her to leave 15-year-old Scarlett alone in a foreign country—in Goa, while she set off to tour Karnataka? Parents try to find a balance between their urge to protect their child and their child's demands. But there was nothing to wrestle about on this one.”

As per my friend, Jilly, Fiona “ has to live with the terrible truth for the rest of her life that she should not have left Scarlet in Anjuna while she went traveling with the rest of her tribe. It was an error of judgment based on trust and the persuasive qualities of a well loved 15-year old.”

She goes on to say- “ Believe me 15-year olds are very persuasive in the West.” Yes so does, Dillon agree “It was a perfect example of the crisis that currently assails some British parents, as well as some Indian parents too: the inability or unwillingness to impose their authority.

The results of this laxity in Britain can be seen everywhere. Aggressive, unruly, malignant yobs with no fear of parents, teachers or any adult. Bad parenting has risen to such levels that a British school union leader complained recently that schools now had to teach children everything—from basic social skills such as how to hold a knife and fork, to moral values. Schools were replacing parents and the Church.”

So, can we blame the children or must bad parenting finally take responsibility for what it is regularly doing these days.

Dhillon argues – “ Nowhere in the world do you leave a girl of that age alone. Not even at home in Devon, England. Certainly not on holiday in a place where there's no one to keep an eye on her, and certainly not in a place like Goa, especially when you are aware—as MacKeown has admitted to being—that your daughter has got involved in the sleazy drug and sex scene.”

I prefer to go with Dillon, than my friend Jilly, because, I believe that no matter what one says to cover up Fiona’s failing as a mother, she must be held responsible for not taking on the alternative as points out Dillon – Drop out of the trip. How could she have been so naïve to believe that a 15 and a 25 -year old with their hormones raging, could have not fallen into each other’s sexual trap, drunk, drugged or overcome by sexual desires. Fiona must be nuts! Or feigning innocence. As if she could not have guessed! How can someone you know for three weeks, become family? C’mon!

Goa’s ailment is obsession with money. More that 50 years have passed. Dirty, ugly hippies snorting coke have spotted its beaches for many years with nothing on but their white skin. Until it was banned. What they could not do in their own countries, they did in Goa and elsewhere in other beaches across the globe.

The Indian Government, the local police the drug mafia and peddler have all gone hand-in-hand. Jilly writes - “ India has disguised it's disgust of our (the west) behaviour in order to attract tourists and their money. The Western lack of sensitivity towards your culture and inhibitions over sex have produced serious consequences”.

Yes, someone has to pay and maybe the Scarlette rape and murder brings forth the national need to make drug trade, peddling and consumption an offence that must be dealt with capital punishment.

While we in India are not going to waste our time teaching inbound tourists how to respect our culture (for if they can read, then they should and must learn what is being a respectable tourist at any destination) we also do not want to waste our time and money on a mother who failed, no matter what she and her children’s School Principal says.

Nor do we have space for escapists who create a menace for us here in India.

“In UK we are hidebound these days by rules, regulations and bureaucracy. I would hate to be bringing up kids today and would probably be living a life as far removed from convention as possible like Scarlett's mother, if I had the courage.”

Thanks Jilly! But no thanks! If it is hard in the UK, we don’t want these parents to come here with their children and create hardships for us. We have enough of our own.

We are clear. We don’t need and want Fionas and their foible.


Out There, Alone by Amrit Dhillon
http://www.outlookindia.com/full.asp?fodname=20080324&fname=Col+Amrit+%28F%29&sid=1

Case Study: Does Violence Against Women Begin At Home

Madhavi is in the last year of School. Her board exams will start in March. She is under considerable pressure of studies at this moment. But she is almost at breaking point and cannot concentrate in her studies as there are unmentionable problems at home which are driving to the point of suicide. Her neighbour, a strong and dependable girl, Nisha, who is also a good friend and studies in the same school, has found that Madhavi is behaving very peculiarly. One day, at about 10.30 am, about an hour before they are about to leave for school, she goes to Madhavi’s house. Normally at that hour, Madhavi is at home alone with her father, who works with Bombay’s Local Train services. Her mother leaves for work by 9 am.

On arriving at Madhavi’s house, Nisha is about to ring the door bell, but has stopped short. She can hear a whimpering sound inside. It is Madhavi’s voice. Nisha puts her ear to the door and is surprised to hear Madhavi plead –

“Daddy, no! Daddy, no, please no…” between tears. Nisha is curious. She tries to catch the sound of a slap, or a beating. Was Madhavi’s being beaten by her father? But no, there is no such sound at all, except the whimpering and the same haunting Daddy, no! Daddy, no, please no. Nisha decides to leave but not before she has made up her mind to confront Madhavi about this. Inside the bus, on the way to School, Nisha tells Madhavi, she has some wonderful news to tell her but she can tell her this, only after School. They must meet after they have returned. Madhavi is excited.

After school, the two girls meet for a walk. It is not uncommon for the two girls to take a walk after they return from school. But today, is different.

“What was happening inside the house this morning when I came to meet you at 10.30 this morning?” Nisha asks directly coming to the point right away.

Madhavi becomes defensive. “You came? You should have rung the bell!”

“I would have but for the fact that I could hear you crying inside and pleading - Daddy, no! Daddy, no, please no!”
Madhavi suddenly became very scared. The colour left her face and she hurried to leave. Nisha grabbed her hand insisting that she tell the truth before she flees. Madhavi breaks down in tears. It is perhaps, the first time she has cried about herself in front of someone.

“Nisha,” she blurts out as if unable to hold the fact any longer, “Daddy is forcing me to have sex with him!”

The words out, Nisha and Madhavi are dumb struck. Nisha continues to look ahead as her fingers and heart freeze while Madhavi continues to cry.

“On and on, it has been more than a year……” Madhavi adds, wiping the tears off her eyes.

Once in change of the situation, Nisha, pleads with Madhavi to disclose this to her mother as soon as possible. Madhavi is scared. What if her mother does not believe her? What if her father accuses her of lying? What if he threatens to leave them? But, Nisha is insistent. Madhavi must end this by telling her mother about it. And if Madhavi finds it so hard to say it, then she threatens to tell Madhavi’s mother herself.

Madhavi is really scared now. Under no circumstance can that happen. The next day, between sobs, she tells her mother about what has been happening in the house for the last one and a half years. Madhavi’s mother is astonished and angry. Was it not what happened earlier too with Madhavi’s elder sister, Lata as well? In fact, that is why to take Lata away from her husband, she had sent Lata to Bangalore to pursue her studies. But that was two years ago. She could hardly believe that after the fight and the apology from her husband, that he should continue his evil acts on their younger daughter as well.

She confronted her husband. He flew into a fit of anger. He screamed at his wife and taking his wallet, he left the house threatening to never return again.

The last blow had been dealt out. Had not Madhavi feared this all along? What was she going to do? What would her mother do? Would she not blame her for indirectly chasing her father out of the house?

She dashed to Nisha – “See, what you have done? Why did you force me to tell my mother? Now, my father has left the house!”

“Let him! He will return shortly. Where will he go?” Nisha was cool.
And so it was, that after the hue and cry, Madhavi’s father returned home after two hours but continued to make everyone suffer the consequences of making public his evil deed, by stopping to talk to everyone in the house, stopping to eat in the house, etc, etc. But as all abusers will, he finally gave up all his psychological blackmailing to return to normal. Another example of violence against women, springing from within the safety of what we call a home, ended.

But this time, I have a few questions to ask, the first being –

Does violence against women begin at home?

Second, are women in household an accomplice to this violence?

Okay, given the fact this is a Case Study of a magnitude that we think rarely happens in all families in India, the UNIFEM report quotes - “Violence against women and girls continues unabated in every continent, country and culture. It takes a devastating toll on women’s lives, on their families, and on society as a whole. Most societies prohibit such violence — yet the reality is that too often, it is covered up or tacitly condoned. — UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon, 8 March 2007 (See http://www.unifem.org/campaigns/vaw/facts_figures.php)

My second question is more pertinent. Given the fact that violence is there, and in many cases it begins are home, is it not the woman’s responsibility to ensure the safety of their children? In the above case, what is wrong with Madhavi’s mother? Why was she so naïve? Her elder daughter had had to face the same plight vis-à-vis her husband’s pathological behaviour as well. Why did she not take precautions to see that it did not recur again? Why did she not warn Madhavi about it and cautioned her in advance? Did she want to maintain a stoic silence on this subject even knowing that she has a teenage daughter who might meet with the same plight? Or did she fear her husband and the consequences? Why did she not ask him to see a psychiatrist about his disorder? Is she finally also to blame for perpetrating violence in her house?

According to RAHI Foundation, an NGO that is working in the area of Child Sexual Abuse and Incest, speaking of mothers a few important myths and fact according to them are cited hereunder –

Myth: Men are forced to have sex with their daughters or other children because their wives won’t have sex with them or cannot satisfy them sexually.
Fact: Men who sexually abuse children do so in addition to, rather than instead of, having sex with their wives. This myth shifts responsibility from the offender to his wife or the child’s mother.

Myth: Mothers always know, either consciously or unconsciously, that sexual abuse is happening to their child.
Fact: Few men are careless enough to have a witness around when they abuse. Many mothers react with shock when they learn about the abuse. Often mothers who do know about the abuse, are in no position to prevent it because of their own powerlessness.

Myth: It is the mother’s job to protect her children. Therefore she is equally responsible for the abuse.
Fact: A mother’s failure to protect her children does not mean she is responsible for the abuser’s actions. Child protection is the responsibility of every adult and does not rest solely on the mother. **

Excuse me, I tend to disagree with the last point. If one of the adults is deranged and addicted to violence against children, all adults in a household cannot be trusted! Especially in the present case, it stands invalid. Madhavi’s mother knew of the potential damage her husband could do to her girls since he has already done it before, so why was she playing, Mrs Innocent?

I say this here and now, in most cases of violence, whether it be sexual abuse or any other form of deprivation or abuse, women are equally responsible because, they are unable to face consequences of what might happen, if they confront the male perpetrator. They exhibit weakness of character and will, fear to fight back or to take to task the perpetrator, which in fact is used as weapons against women themselves, by the male perpetrator of violence.

Hence, in cases of violence against women inside the home, women are accomplice. Is this what everybody feels and thinks as well? Or am I the only woman basher on Blogspot?




** Myths and facts by Rahi Foundation : http://www.rahifoundation.org/incestchild/incestchild/document.2004-07-15.0476800028

Case Study: Money For Love; Life Carefree

Sachin is the only son of Kamala, 72. He has one elder sister, who is married and has a daughter. But she has not been able to live in her marital house, being more often than not, forced to live with her mother. Reason? Her mother is aging and all alone in her house. In the absence of a husband, Kamala is being looked after by her daughter. But, is this not what is supposed to be done by and son in a middle class Bengali family? Yes, of course! And Sachin is doing it. After all, he is earning a big six figure salary all of which is tax free from his job in Kuwait as a Design Head of a Company. His remunerations come into his ICICI Bank account and he has instructed his mother and sister that they can withdraw money without being at all stingy about it. His mother must have every need fulfilled. A beautiful white marble house, three floors, with modern, western amenities and restrooms, although she can live on the ground floor. The house is fully air conditioned. A battery of servants serve the elderly lady. His elder sister, lives close by with her family but is usually living with her mother in Sachin’s house. The mother is ailing and asthmatic and has a heart condition. She is a frequent patient at Kolkata’s plush Belle Vue Hospital with heart or lung problems.

And although, she longs to be and see her son, Sachin, who comes every six months or so for a week, is rarely at home when he is in Kolkata. After all, Kolkata is his city. He has friends to meet up with and girlfriends he must take out for dinner. So Kamala must bottle up her feeling.

Sachin does make pretentious statements that he will return to India. But, by now her maternal heart knows he will not. The primary reason being finances. What she does not know is Sachin has a free life in Kuwait. He call daily, wraps her in abundance of goods and finances and makes six-monthly visits. This should suffice, he thinks.

But his mother wants him to return to India. After all she is not sure how long she will live. But even the best offers in India, are less than a quarter of what he receives in Kuwait. No, it’s not what will satisfy Sachin. After all, by staying in Kuwait, he is giving his mother all the luxuries that money can buy. His sister is there to look after her on a daily basis, while he makes the money most needed for a luxurious life he wants for his mother and himself. He knows his mother hankers to see him, but there is this business of providing for a good life too. So, something has to be given up to get something else.

Only that something is a human need. The need to be close to her son and feel secure in the knowledge that he is around, when she breathes her last. He could have taken her to Kuwait to live with him, but that would mean giving up his freedom to a certain extent. Besides, India was a cost effective option, in all respect.

Interpretation:
At the face of it, it seems that everything is in exactly the best place as it should be. But a closer look gives out some of the startling facts of this Case Study. Please note, we are making some interpretations, based on life in modern metropolitan India.

Sachin comes from a middle class family although today he is among the nauveau rich. He has been brought up with middle class values, which come as a package with the class. So we can assume that he is aware that he must be responsible for looking after his parents. And even if he has an elder sister, the onus of that responsibility will be his. Hence, in this case already there is a gap in what was taught and what is being practiced. But, Sachin has been involved with bread-earning and although there is enough, the taste of higher remunerations and career improvements has displaced the old learning for the new image he likes to see himself in. There is however, a cost to pay as well. Only his elder sister is paying that price. Normally, she aught to be more involved with her own marital home, but since her mother is widowed and aging and ailing, she must put her own home aside to take care of mother as Sachin is out of country. There is no dearth of money, but Sachin is not willing to return as he also will have to forego his carefree life for a life of responsibly. He feels by keeping the financial abundance in his family, he is doing his duty. But his mother is not happy. She longs to be with her son. But, that poses many discomforts for Sachin. It is better, if this responsibly is managed by his sister in Kolkata, even though she is paying the price by sacrificing her own need to be with her family.

SWOT:
Strength: Sachin has a great job in Kuwait with prospect of career and higher income. He is able to afford the best for his mother because of this. The quality of their lives as a middle class family has improved in leaps and bounds. They can in fact live a life of luxury now.

Weakness: Sachin cannot fulfill his mother’s wishes to have him close to her. He cannot keep her insecurities of breathing her last, without seeing him at bay. His sister is sacrificing her own home for her mother. Sachin is not sensitive to this because there is the business of finances to look after as well as his carefree life in Kuwait. Hence, the balance is tilting on his side.

Opportunity: He can put an end to his job in Kuwait, and take on one in India, albeit with a sizable drop of salary. His prospects in India, now that he will return from working abroad will get better. With India becoming a global major in many sectors, his prospect increases as he has worked with teams worldwide and hence, he becomes the Best Choice for any company. Hence, his salary and benefits will increase likewise. He also has the opportunity to go on his own and start his own company here, because he has money as well as global experience. He can start up a 100% EOU. He can even become a Consultant to many companies interested to venture into India. Most importantly, he will be with his mother and thereby fulfill the demand of middle class values he had imbibed but which he now has compromised for want of a carefree life and high financial returns from work.

Threat: He will have to adjust to lower remunerations. To start up a new company requires time and finances which he may not be willing to invest, although being in Bengal, he may be able to generate the finances from Banks. Last but certainly not the least, he will lose his freedom and carefree life to a certain extent.

Summary: Sachin is suffering from tunnel vision. He presumes that money can replace or completely take care of old age health problems. He cannot see the emotional needs that are crying out for fulfillment in his mother. Nor does he really mind that his sister has to compromise her family, to look after their mother on a day to day basis. His middle class values have been replaced by the lure of money. Besides, he prefers his life of freedom to the life of bondage and responsibilities. He is coving this guilt with abundant finances for his family in India. He has actually decided not to return under any circumstances, and subconsciously, he is aware that the time is limited for his mother’s life and hence, once that is over, which will at some time or the other, he can break free to another country altogether. It is only a matter of time and he can maintain status quo. It serves him best, whatever be the other cost he has to bear to achieve this end.

Really, it is a Win situation for him only.

As far as his mother’s wishes are concerned, he is speaking to her every day and he does come to India every six months and he hopes that in case of an Emergency, he will be there beside her, without having to make any shifts now. He has logically put away the middle class values and replaced them with needs of a different kind. These values are looking after his mother meaning being there in person rather than replacing his presence with his money. Which for the mother is unfulfilling.

It has never occurred to him that there are advantages of becoming an Entrepreneur in India, as both timing and place right now are just right. No, after all, India is not Kuwait, Canada or Australia, Europe or America, where he is a frequent traveler and Project Head. Plus, he has his own life to lead, which cannot be compromised.

Conclusion: Is this the price to pay? Money, for love and a life carefree?






Note: The present Case Study is to be published in Dignity Dialogue, a magazine for Senior Citizens. The Case Study is based on real life situation, in exactly the way it is presented. Any resemblance to any other case of this nature is purely incidental.

Case Study I - Can One Failed Marriage Result In Another Failure?

Nilanjan is raving mad. At himself. Eight years ago he had married Sandhya in Bangalore. The first two years were like a life in paradise. They were in the seventh heaven, wrapped in the warmth and the magic of love. It was so magical that people were even jealous of them. That however did not diminish their love; in fact it got stronger.

However, in the last three years a side of Sandhya had begun to emerge which Nilanjan was not comfortable with.

Before Nilanjan negotiated his marriage with Sandhya, he was aware that Sandhya had had a very sad past. She had been married in her early twenties but the marriage had broken and she had been brought back to her own parental home. That was not the bad part though. The devastating reality was that the six month child she had begotten in that marriage had been snatched away from her and no matter how many times she tried to get her daughter, her in-laws had prevented it. Sandhya did not go to the Court for the custody of her child. She knew she would not win the case as she was not earning enough to look after herself and her child. Her paternal family had also indirectly refused to support her with her child. Hence time passed and Sandhya never returned to her marital home. Neither was her child ever brought to her. It had been more than twenty years since this had happened. Sandhya had not got a legal divorce as well as in their times, marriages were social events without registration. And she feared that if she did get one, then she would lose her chances of ever being with her daughter.

For Nilanjan, it did not matter. He was very empathetic towards her condition. He wished that Sandhya could have met her child.

Nilanjan too had a failed marriage. In fact two failed marriages. In the first, they had been together eight years. When he broke that marriage, he was lonely and placed an ad in the matrimonial column of a well-known newspaper. Proposals poured in. He selected one and performed a simple registered marriage. However, that marriage too failed as he soon found that his new wife was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Nilanjan decided that he was never going to marry again until he met Sandhya and he fell in love with her.

But that was ten years ago. Life was honky-dory until three years ago. After much persuasion and negotiations, Sandhya was able to meet her daughter for the first time. In fact, Nilanjan had helped her a great deal in this negotiation. However, after this episode, the relationship between Nilanjan and Sandhya began to show strains as Sandhya filled her heart with her long lost daughter. Nilanjan, did not feel part of Sandhya’s life as a mother of someone else’s child. Also, the episode had happened many years before he met Sandhya.

In her relationship with her daughter, Sandhya never included Nilanjan. She did not initiate any conversation between Nilanjan and her daughter. She did not make any move towards including, Nilanjan in this relation she had with her daughter. Nilanjan soon found he began to detest her ongoing conversations about her first marital house which Sandhya was now quite full of as her relationship with her daughter grew stronger. Nilanjan was unable to cope with the aftermath of the meeting. To him it seemed like, her whole past was showing up all over again and he was forced to accommodate it in their scheme of things. He was not up to it. He wanted to leave. But he could not. Before him, stood his own two failed marriages. He could not afford a third. He was now fifty five years old. He had to make this work. But how?

Analysis

What Nilanjan is going through is insecurity due to shift of position in Sandhya’s life. From being the center of attraction in her life, he has now to vie with someone, who is an integral part of her life, her flesh and blood. Really this is not his real complaint, it is the fact that he has to bear the reports she gives him of different members of her ex-marital home. While Sandhya has not perceived that this is an irritation for him and that she need not discuss anything about her past with Nilanjan, Nilanjan feels threatened by a third failure of his marriage, should the old family come back to claim their rights over Sandhya. And although it is apparent that Sandhya is dedicated to Nilanjan, the past cannot really be written out especially that there is no legal divorce as well. Hence, complex feelings are bottled up in Nilanjan, which he has to deal with. He has not had the courage to speak to her about it and once when he did mention it, she was dismissive about it. It had not solved the matter. In fact, remaining unresolved, it ate into his relationship with her further. Hence, he wanted to move out. But he was caught in his own failures of the past and the fear of making one more failure was keeping him in this one. His mind though was gradually moving out of it. However, while she doubted Nilanjan’s indifference to her lately, Sandhya had never been able to put the finger where it hurts Nilanjan the most.

Interpretation
As the case presents itself, it is apparent, that in some way, the relationship between Nilanjan and Sandhya is undergoing many shifts and many changes. There is a cost that is being paid for these changes. While Sandhya is reclaiming her lost life with her daughter, Nilanjan feels left out in the cold. No matter what he does, he can never be part of that history. On the other hand, living with Sandhya when her past has become alive is like living in a marriage with Sandhya having an affair with somebody else. Even though it is only her daughter, she is representative of an entire history behind her and the daughter is not far from the father. Besides, Sandhya too is making no effort to include him in her new found life with her daughter. But, if Nilanjan voices dismay, it may seem that Nilanjan is really jeolous, when really he is confused and does not know how to deal with the multiple issues that plague his relationship with Sandhya now. Nilanjan does not want to be misunderstood. On the other hand, if he did not voice his concerns, then, this would lead to a build up of unexpressed emotions inside him and then lead to further tensions between them. In fact, it already had become too much and the pressure was showing in bouts of temper, which Sandhya is bitter about but unable to understand the cause of it. Nilanjan feels that in some ways their relationship is already on the rocks. But he is holding on to it, as he loves Sandhya on the one hand and he does not want this marriage to break. Even he can’t take a third failure.

Conclusion
Time to look at the relationship now. For both of them. The first thing that Nilanjan needs to do is to make his point to Sandhya. The first thing Sandhya needs to do is to listen him out. The challenge of making this relationship work is not Nilanjan’s as much as it is Sandhya’s. She must understand that although, she is building on her lost relationship with her daughter, Nilanjan is not part of this story and hence, she need not discuss neither her daughter or her ex-marital home with him, if she is keen to keep this marriage going. While Nilanjan has been supportive enough to her, he need not go any further. And if she wishes to include Nilanjan in her past, which would be unfair on him, she needs him to develop a separate and distinct relation with her daughter, so that he feels included where it matters to her the most. She cannot expect unwavering support from Nilanjan, on this matter, without any personal involvement, because no matter how meaningful to Sandhya, it is this active past in their lives and its ghost that can kill the cupid in their love story. She has some solid work to do. And if she does not wish to include Nilanjan, then she must learn to compartmentalize things.

On his part, he has to address his anger and fury. He is responsible for it because he has not been able to pursue his need to be firm about being kept out from the goings-on in her life as a mother. On the other hand, he has not shown much interest in her daughter too. When, he married Sandhya, he was aware of a past, he had no idea that once this past came alive once again, he would develop anti-feelings towards it.

In the meantime, as he has already had two failed marriages, it is only human for him to go beyond his human capacity to keep this marriage going.

But, for how long? At what cost? And to what end? Will two failed marriages also lead to a third, as if it was a pattern? What is his contribution to this state of affairs? What can he do to rectify the situation?

And most importantly, what is there for him to learn from these experiences?